The Toddler Guide to Throwing Tantrums

1. Tantrums are useful for getting your point across, especially in public places. Which point? Anything that makes you upset: hunger, thirst, feeling tired, boredom, dropping Mommy's keys in the back of the cart and nobody noticing, not getting that balloon by the greeting card section and it gets farther and farther away.

2. Learn to tantrum as soon as you learn to walk. Wobbliness helps with the dramatic display and brings someone to you very quickly because they don't want you to fall and hurt yourself.

3. A word on falling: do it carefully. Avoid things like tile floors, concrete, stairs, baseboards, toilets, bathtubs, stools, edges of beds or sofas. Those are hard objects and they hurt when you smash into them.

4. Good surfaces for tantrums include carpet floors, piles of dirty laundry, soft bedding and Daddy's tummy.

5. Proper technique is key. Start with a pouty lip and loud cry. Drop your head to the floor (remember to put out your hands or you end up with a goosegg on your forehead), then swing your hips and roll onto the floor, letting your shoulder and your diaper absorb the impact. Close your eyes and wail. Scream out all your air and gasp for breath. Usually by this time someone is trying to pick you up, so let all your muscles go limp and flop backwards. If the item you want is not being wiggled in front of your face, wail again. Repeat until you are bored or an acceptable alternative is offered.

6. Effective complementary techniques at getting what you want: go quiet for a moment and narrow your eyes at the person closest to you, giving them an extreme feeling of guilt; go find a sibling or grandparent to retrieve what you want; remember where the item is and later learn to climb to reach it.

7. Lastly, remember that even though you're the baby, you are still "da boss."